Losing A Loved One

Losing someone you love is one of the hardest things to deal with. It's the kind of pain that you physically feel all over your body. To make it worse, you feel like no one else feels that pain, that they don't understand.

In the first few weeks/months, people will be there for you. They will gather around, cry, listen to your stories, share tories themselves, bring you food, and check up on you frequently. But at around three months, the crowd thins out, people go back to their "normal" lives, and you are expected to do the same. This is when you'll get a taste if being alone in your grief.

Everyone's grief is determined by:

• The nature and meaning of their particular relationship with the person who died

• Their own personal characteristics and life history

• The specific aspects of their loved one's death

• The social situation surrounding them

• Their physical and mental state

It's important to not let anyone tell you how to deal with your grief, when it's time to get rid of your loved ones things, when to stop visiting the cemetery, or stop crying. You have to figure it out for yourself. Your grief belongs to you. Every time you cry for your loved one, it's a way of honoring who they are in your life and what you have lost. It lets the world know someone really precious has left and they still matter.

There is no correct way to respond to loss. Of course there are the stages of grief one goes through when someone in their life has died:

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

But going through that process takes time, and everyone processes differently, at their own pace. I myself have recently come to this conclusion when I experienced the loss of three people in my life- one after the other.

First, the loss of my neighbor. His death came late in the night, out of nowhere, and crushed my family and I as we sat there trying to help save him. Then came the death of my aunt, expected, but tragic nonetheless. Losing a bright light like her in my life was difficult, yet comforting as I knew she was now at peace. Then came the loss of a long time family friend, taken from this world too young.

Each death shook my world and threatened to pull me deeper and deeper into despair. The first thing to go was sleep, I tossed and turned all night, never fully allowing myself to fall into a deep sleep. I would wake up in the middle of the night, walk into each of my family members rooms, and made sure they were still breathing before returning back to bed.

Then I lost my motivation. Before these three deaths, I was waking up early, no matter the day, and would go on a morning walk. I would sit and be productive throughout my days, completing tasks. After the deaths, however, my motivation was gone, and no longer was I productive and motivated to go on walks.

In the beginning, I let myself cry and let go of those things. I was told it was understandable, I needed time to go through the grieving process, the shock I was experiencing. After two weeks, that understanding turned into frustration, and I was mad at myself for no longer being the same person I was after experiencing those three losses.

Then I reminded myself that I was not going to "get better" overnight. This was going to be a long process and I had to be more understanding and patient with myself. So I let myself feel, cry, be angry, question, and every motion and action in between.

And then one day I woke up, and I went on my walk, and my days became more productive. I found joy again in the things I used to do, I laughed and danced, and sang. Of course I continue to cry when the feeling of loss overcomes me, but I no longer get mad at myself, I just continue living and I recognize that I will be okay, that I AM okay.

After experiencing the loss of these three people, I found a quote in which I found to be very comforting.

"Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awake in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not sit at my grave and cry; I am not there.

I did not die."