Inpatient Programs: My Experience

I want to start off by saying that this is an extremely hard topic for me to write about. So hard in fact, that I pushed off this topic for a week, but I felt like I had to get my story out there. Some may disagree and say that this is something that should be kept private, its unprofessional and could taint my future. I disagree. I'm not going to state my many reasons why I disagree, just know that I do, and that there are many people out there who would benefit from hearing what I have to say. That trumps anything else.

I was admitted to an inpatient program (one that will not be named) for an eating disorder. I went in willingly and eager for help. My parents weren't allowed to my room, and they couldn't help me unpack. They had to fill out the paper work and immediately leave. I was forced to give them quick goodbyes (and I will admit, I sobbed my eyes out).

I will admit, the facility I stayed at was nicer and homier than I expected (but I guess that was the point). It was an old mansion built in the 1920's, with large rooms and a grand stair case. I was placed in the master bedroom, one I shared with two other girls (one which was actually there the longest out of everyone). When moving in, someone was there to help, but mostly go through all my things. They confiscated my hair straightener, nail file, and my sleeping medication (because it contained alc).

Every morning I was woken up at 6:50 and was forced to change into an oversized what t-shirt where I was then blindly weighed and my blood pressure was checked. By 8am everyone had to be downstairs, dressed, and prepared for the day. Once we were downstairs, we were not allowed to go back upstairs. This meant we all packed a small bag with things I need for the day. If I forgot something I would ask one of the workers who would then get it for me. The reason? Going up and down the stairs was seen as too much exercise.

We ate every three and a half hours to four hours in the dining room. Social workers would sit with us, eat their food, and keep an eye on us and the clock. We had thirty minutes in total to finish everything placed in front of us. If we couldn't, we asked for a supplement (which was just a protein shake). I absolutely hated this time. Girls would sit at the table, some of them silently staring at the food, refusing to touch it, while others would loudly cry at the idea of having to eat. It was uncomfortable, and it instantly changed/set the mood for the rest of the girls, making it that much harder for them and myself to complete a meal.

Our days where scheduled with various activities, doctors visits, and therapy sessions. There was very little free time, but when there was it was spent in the main room that was full of couches and blankets. It was there I found myself talking to the other girls and getting to know them, the them outside of having an eating disorder. It was interesting though, looking back now girls never really spoke of their disorder or any other issues during our sessions, it was only outside of those sessions and in private did we speak of this things.

We werent allowed to have our phones or anything that could reach the outside world. There was one computer that was used to log onto Facebook or emails in hopes of being able to contact friends or family and hear whats happening in the outside world. This was hard for me, especially because I relied heavily on the support of my friends and family. Not being able to talk to them through out the day was torture.

At 8 pm we were finally allowed to go upstairs and get ready for bed. Lights had to be out and we had to be in bed by 10 pm. Through out the night, every hour on the hour actually, our door was opened and we were checked on by someone during the night shift. So that meant every hour, on the hour, I was woken up because I could feel someone standing over me, making sure I was still there and breathing. It was safe to say I didn't get any sleep (especially because they took away my medication).

After three days and two nights, I had enough. I felt like the place doing more harm than good. I was supplementing all my meals, was not sleeping, and felt like no one was really listening to my problems. No one was trying to get the root of my issues, they weren't giving me techniques on bettering myself. Instead I was watched closely at all hours and pressured to gain weight.

That is why I made the tough decision to sign myself out of the program. When I told the workers there, they tried convincing me to stay, pulling out all the strings and even forcing me to stay another night. By morning however it was clear to me that I was not going to get the help I needed here. I called my father and explained to him how I was feeling and begged him to support me. He called my mother, and within minutes I had their permission to sign myself out, my mother would be there to pick me up after work.

When I left that place, I made a promise to myself and others that I would still get the help I needed. That place was just not it for me. Instead, I found a place that was outpatient (something no one ever gave me the option to try). There, I was given the chance to talk about my problems, and the workers there taught me actual skills that I still use today.

It's astounding to me how different the two places I went to for help actually were. The way they approached me and my problems were completely different. I'm proud of myself though, for recognizing that I was not going to get the help I needed in one place, and found another, better place to get help. That was a big step for me and my recovery, realizing what I needed and finding the voice to speak up about it. Of course, the road to recovery is a long one, it is not easy, and I am still going.

But because I learned some amazing techniques I was able to return back to school and continue my education. I am happy, still learning, and still fighting. I am proud of myself and how far I have come. For those of you reading this, I hope you learned something today, and I hope you can walk away from this heaving a different mindset on people who take the necessary actions to better themselves.