So, Here It Goes.

I always wanted to share my story, share my life, but I never knew how. I always thought my life was boring and not worth sharing. I mean my story is probably like everyone else's, right? But I think that's why I want to share it, why I need to share it. Because there are probably so many people going through what I’m going through, or have gone through what I went through, and I want them to know its okay, you're not alone.

I'm starting this now though, because I feel like I am currently going through something that everyone at one time or another has gone through. Heart break. Everyone I have ever known has experienced heartbreak. Want to know something strange? I never did. I never let myself experience it. Don't get me wrong, I was in several relationships before this one, but they weren't as special.

With this guy, there was something different. This was the first guy I truly fell in love with. The first guy I trusted fully, was completely comfortable with, and was ready to spend the rest of my life with. I met him during a critial point in my life. It was the night before my 19th birthday sophomore year of college (as I write this, its my junior year). This year was important for two reasons.

My freshman year of college I got into the wrong group within my group of friends and got in trouble. During this time, I was also diagnosed with anxiety and an eating disorder. When I met this boy, I was determined for my life to change for the better. That is exactly what he did for me. We dated for ten months, and even though a couple months of that was the summer when we were apart, they were the happiest months of my life. Dont get me wrong, we had our moments where we fought and made each other feel horrible, but we also had the most amazing moments together.

And suddenly, almost a year to the date, it all ended and my world came crashing down. When it first happened, when he first told me that he needed to end our relationship, my immediate reaction was to break down. I thought it was all my fault and I wanted to do absolutely anything to fix it and get him back. I kicked him out of my room hurt and completely broken.

The next morning was worse. For a brief moment when I woke up, i forgot what happened. But when everything came rushing back it was like my world was over. I had no motivation to move, I didnt want to go to class or do my work. I didnt shower or eat. All I did was cry. This lasted for four nights and three days. Finally, on the fourth evening I called my parents telling them I needed to come home. I knew i wasnt in the mindset to be at school. I needed my parents to snap me out of it, make me eat, shower, and do my work. Thankfully my school cooperated (or at least they are). You see, as I write this, its all still happening.

Im writing this with a broken heart, telling everyone else, that it WILL be okay. Want to know how I know that? Because so many people have told me. And if they went through it and survived and are still living their best life, than I can too. I got a lot of advice over the week by my friends and family, and even friends of my friends. They all told me the same thing. It hurts. Like hell. But it really does get better. And its okay to cry. Do it. If you have a broken heart, i dare you too. You’re going to feel stupid, and you are most definitley going to feel gross, but in the long run you are going to feel better.

I sobbed my heart out. I screamed and I ugly cried. At times I felt like I couldnt breathe, that the tears would never end, but they do. Remember when I said I would wake up in the morning and cry? I would forget it happened for a moment and then remember all at once? I went through that every morning. I cried and refused to get out of bed. But then, one morning, it stopped. Sure, I still dont want to get out of bed, and it takes me at least twenty minues to build up the confidence to do so, but i do it. And i dont cry. Thats the first step isnt it?

At some point while I was crying I came to accept what happened. I know why he broke up with me, I 100% understand it. I understand it isnt my fault, there was nothing I did wrong, it just wasnt meant to be at this time, or maybe ever. I understand that he still loves me and always will, even if it is a little different. But more importantly I understand that having a broken heart is normal, crying and feeling like your world is ending is normal. The best way I can put it is it feels like someone in your life died. I know not literally, but you are mourning the loss of someone in your life. It makes sense to cry, it makes sense to not want to move or eat. And its okay. Because its okay to grieve.

Its also okay to write it all out, get your feelings out. Thats what I am doing here right now. I want to share with you guys the letter I wrote to him. So here it is.

To the boy I first truly loved,

Thank you. Thank you for showing me what real love, and what real heart break is. I know its sad to say and to talk about, but it helped me become a better person, it helped me grow. As much as you hurt me ending everything, I know why you did it, and I appreciate you for it. For others, the ending may not be that great, and it could have been worse for us, so I am thankful it wasnt.

I also wanted to thank you for helping me. You really helped me build up my confidence, you helped me with my anxiety, with my eating, and I can never repay you for that. And though we agree to be friends, I will never stop loving you. But thats okay, because I take that feeling and I use it for motivation to better myself. I take every experience, every fight, every laugh, every cry, and I turn it into a lesson. A lesson that I will be able to use in the future for anything and everything. You taught me to be patient, to be aware of others and their feelings, to understand peoples needs and most importantly you taught me how to trust someone completely with my heart.

I think thats an important lesson for every girl to learn. And im glad it was you who taught it to me. And i know this whole process is hard, saying goodbye and giving up that chapter of our lives is the hardest thing I will personally have to do, i dont know about you. I admit I still think of you, I still think about the dreams and the future we talked about. It still hurts, but its okay. Because we will grow, and we will be better in the long run. I love you, forever and always,

So this is me, just Kate, telling you, and telling myself, that its going to be okay.